Wednesday, September 12, 2012

An Answer to a Humble Question

I have been debating whether or not I wanted to do a post on this particular topic. I have gone back and forth too many times to count. But I think for my own sanity, and perhaps for the sanity of anyone in a similar situation, I need to share.

Today at work while I was helping a member we went through all the usual friendly conversational words- "hi, how are you?" "have any fun plans today?" "how's the weather looking out there?" Then this member looks at my wedding ring and asked me how long I had been married, to which I replied five wonderful years. Then he asked if I had any kids and I said "no, not yet." And then he asked me the following question, "well do you want to have kids?"

I am writing this blog post in answer to that question. I hope anyone reading this would already know that I long for and dream of the day when I hear children's laughter in my home, see little hand prints on my windows, and get to hug tight beautiful children of my own.

When Johnny and I moved to Cedar City in 2010 I thought I would get a full time job right away. However, I applied to job after job and hardly got any interest at all. We thought, well maybe since I am having a hard time finding a job it's time to start our family. After much thought and prayer, Johnny and I decided to go ahead with trying to start our family. Well, a little over two years later we have yet to bring children into our home. We got pregnant last summer but lost the pregnancy at about 9 weeks. The following winter, we got pregnant again but then lost that pregnancy around 7 weeks in January of this year. We haven't been able to get pregnant since then.

As I struggle to get pregnant and have healthy pregnancies of my own, I have watched family members get pregnant and delivery beautiful babies. I have watched several friends and coworkers get pregnant and have children. I have seen countless women come into to work with pregnant bellies or men that are so excited about the ultrasound they just saw.

I would love to say that it is easy to watch others have children as I struggle to have any of my own, but well let's be honest, it isn't. But however difficult it may be, I always remember how happy I am for these people, and truly I am. I truly am so very happy that children have been entrusted to my wonderful family and friends.

Johnny and I have worked with two doctors, one in Cedar and one in Provo, to try to have a successful pregnancy. We are currently in limbo- playing the waiting game. Doctors won't really do anything until you have had three miscarriages or until you have tried unsuccessfully for a year to get pregnant. I think this would be easier if I just knew if we can or cannot have kids so I can work towards moving forward, whatever direction forward may be. But as it stands now, we have to just wait.

These last two years or so have been filled with the most emotionally difficult experiences I've had so far in my life. I've had to explain to my niece what happened to the baby in my belly, while she's showing me pictures of the baby in her mom's belly. I've had to ask Johnny to leave ward parties early because I couldn't stand to see all the pregnant bellies or hear the gossip about who now was pregnant. I was unable to hold my newly born nephew because I knew if I did I would break down into uncontrollable sobs.

While searching for something else entirely, I came across an Ensign article from April 2011 entitled "Faith and Fertility" which helped put into words how I feel. One of the woman in the article says "I felt I had no purpose. That's the ultimate goal, isn't it, to get married and have a family? I felt broken, like I wasn't a real woman."

I have gone through so many emotions in the last two years, it's pretty ridiculous. I have been excited at seeing those two little lines on the pregnancy test (twice) and then completely depressed that I lost my baby, wondering irrationally what I did wrong, did I eat something wrong, did I sit wrong. Then angry that I lost my baby while I read in the newspaper about babies dying from shaken baby syndrome and high rates of babies in the NICU going through withdrawals because their moms were popping pills while pregnant.

It has taken time to grieve and to mentally work through my experiences. And lets be honest, most days I still have something trigger an emotion or two. I sure hope that at least something I have learned from this is to live in the now and take advantage of every minute I have with my family and with my children, whenever they come.

But in the meantime, thank goodness for great family members and friends so willing to listen and help. And thank goodness for such a great husband who loves me no matter what and always helps remind me that it will all work out in the end, one way or another. And thank goodness for a cute, silly pup who snuggles me when I really need it. I am so blessed to be so loved.

Whatever my future may hold, I look forward to welcoming children into my home, because to answer the question, yes, I do want children. And some day (hopefully sooner rather than later) we will have children in our home along with child laughter, tiny finger prints, hugs, and of course, I'm sure, lots and lots of diapers.

I hope that my post in no way has belittled the experiences of others as I know there are others who have been through more trials and experienced much more heartache than myself. I also hope my post has not offended anyone, as that was in no way, shape, or form my intention. I love all of my family and friends and nieces and nephews and am so glad for the privilege of being an aunt to such beautiful and silly kids.

Friday, June 22, 2012

May and June 2012

The month of May was sure exciting and also super crazy. As mentioned in my previous post, Johnny graduated from Southern Utah University on May 4th. Yay! He then worked tirelessly to find a job. At first he applied to jobs all over the US, but after some thinking and much praying we decided to narrow the field to the Salt Lake area. He drove up to Salt Lake several times throughout the month for interviews. After lots of craziness, Johnny finally got a job in Springville, UT.

He decided on the job last Friday May 25, but with the long weekend things weren't finalized until Tues May 29th. With his interviews going very well, we had taken a leap of faith and scheduled a moving truck, before he received a job offer, for Sat June 2. So we had about 4 real days to find somewhere to live in the Springville area. With outrageous rent prices and the added difficulty of trying to rent somewhere pet friendly, we sure had a fun time trying to find somewhere to live. Not to mention the apartment complex we had our eyes on turned out to have false advertisement online regarding allowing pets. So we had to scramble at the super last minute (Thursday night and Friday morning) to try for plan B. We ended up finding a cute little townhouse to rent and it all worked out.

Here are some pictures of our new place. 

(Please excuse the folding chairs in this picture- we bought this table on a fantastic clearance deal and haven't had the funds yet to get some chairs that fit. So we are slumming it with folding chairs for now, it works. :)  )

Since June is almost over I'll just add in a little update for this month. I quit my job in Cedar City on June 1, and was lucky enough that a position opened up for the Spanish Fork branch the day I left the Cedar Branch. So I hurried and applied to that position. I interviewed for it and started my first day on June 11. I was joking with my mom that my plans never work out, but this one sure worked out perfectly and the timing couldn't have been better.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

April 2012

Almost a year later, I finally am trying to update our blog again. I thought maybe I would just delete it, but it is a great way to keep a journal of life events. I like how some of my friends update once a month, so I will attempt to so myself.

April was a crazy month. In March my eye started feeling weird, like it had last year, super dry and irritated. In April though, my eye got much worse, so much so, that I couldn't even keep it open. I had to leave work early because I couldn't see the computer screen or the people I was trying to help. I went to a Primary Care PA and she didn't really help me, so I went to a local eye doctor. He looked at my eye and told me I had a viral infection. Ugh. So then he prescribed some eye drops which he then proceeded to warn me can cause glaucoma and cataracts if used incorrectly.

My eye seemed to be still irritated, but after a few days calmed down. I was finally able to wear my contacts again and see again. Then it flared up again. I went back to the doctor, took eye drops again and finally after about two months of foolish eye issues, my eye is back to normal.

As I shared in a lesson I gave in Relief Society, I am one to very much appreciate vision being a hobby photographer. But I never truly understood the gift of sight and healthy eyes until recently. It is such a blessing.

Zoe also had an eventful month. Johnny and I kept going back and forth about whether we wanted to have her spayed. We thought we might want to breed her, but having had her go through heat once, it is rather inconvenient to deal with in an apartment. But, having just had two miscarriages, my emotions said it was unfair to take away that right from any living creature.

Ultimately, Johnny and I decided it was best for our family and best for Zoe if we had her spayed. So we took her to the doctor and left her over night. When I picked her up from the vet she was so groggy and sad it broke my heart. Usually when we take her outside she loves running around everywhere sniffing everything she can reach with her little nose. When I took her out after I picked her up, she just walked out on the grass and sat down because she lacked the energy to do anything else. I felt so guilty and sad I cried.

She was almost back to her spunky self when this last week she all of a sudden started throwing up and lost control of her bowels. I was fairly certain that she was dying. Dramatic I know, but I didn't know what to do or what was happening. We took her to the vet who gave her some medicine and helped her regain control of herself. She is now running around again like her silly playful self.

Technically, this happened in May, but it happened before I typed this entry so I'll add it into this month. Johnny graduated college!! Woohoo!! When we first got married and I realized how much schooling he had ahead of him, I thought this day would never come. But it did. The last two years in particular went by crazy fast. I am SOOO proud of Johnny finishing his degree and finishing with honors. Now, on to a new phase of life.

If anyone was totally bummed they missed out on Johnny's, I videoed the most important part. You can watch that below.